A quote from “Girls”

• i get dumped. this happens about 50% of the time and it sucks. a lot.
  
  bonus sucky points are added, when the dumper changes their mind, asks me out, and i have to say no because i am either a) over it, or b) not interested in repeating history. after all of my pain and time invested in healing, i am still ultimately held accountable. i am the asshole.
  
  
• the other party obviously isn’t that into me, doesn’t treat me that great and eventually distances them self. this hurts a lot, but eventually i move on, at which point i am either a) an asshole, or b) slutty.
  
  
• i decide to end things when i realize that i am either just not that into them, or i see no long-term potential. while, i typically do this with as much empathy as possible, and always face to face, i am still ultimately the asshole.

moral of the story? no matter how much it sucks, and no matter how much i get hurt…i am always the asshole. isn’t dating great?!

I’ve decided to enter a relationship. With myself. I’m an awesome girlfriend. I’m a pretty good cook, an awesome kisser, and I like all of the things that I like. I’m laid-back, open-minded and totally sensitive to my needs. I’m well educated, relatively low-maintenance and am just the right amount of nerdy.

I think my dancing is cute, and I don’t feel the need to go out all of the time on weekends. I’m totally content to stay in, watch a movie and cuddle.

I’m open to re-consider if better options come along, but at this point, I am pretty confident that I will never break my heart.

either my standards are just impossibly high, or i have been totally desensitized to not feel feelings, but i don’t think that i am ever going to find a gentleman that i am happy with.

i am leaving a trail of discarded souls in my wake.

i feel like an asshole about it. but honesty is always the best policy, right? if you don’t feel “it”…why fucking pretend? no one likes games. they’re draining and immature.

i promised i would never settle, and i don’t have much to hold onto these days…i need to hold onto that.

she would have understood. she would have told me that i am a smart girl, and i am doing the right thing, and would’ve reminded me to listen to my heart.

am i just deluding myself? at the end of the day, am i really just a MEAN person?
god, i hope not.

from the time that i was 16, until i was 23, i was almost always in a committed long-term relationship…i went through four boyfriends, my longest being just over two years, and my shortest being seven months. in this time, i never really “dated”. i generally just sort of fell into these relationships, usually hard and fast, and completely unexpected.

after nathan and i broke up, i definitely needed some space, and avoided anything serious with guys for several months. the first guy who ever really asked me on a date in the traditional sense was greg, and i adamantly tried to refuse. the only reason i ever ended up agreeing was pretty much because kourtney made me. i’m too shy for my own good in this regard and would rather blow someone off than leave my socially awkward self vulnerable. ultimately, i’m glad she did…greg and i dated for about six or seven months after that, until i got cold feet and ended things. i felt like i needed space, and i needed to leave myself open to the idea of meeting my soul mate. greg was a really great guy…but he wasn’t the one, and the way i saw it…how long do you stay with someone you know you aren’t in it for the long haul with before you’re wasting your time? no matter how great they are.

it’s now been about a year and a half since i was in a relationship, and i feel so conflicted about dating. on one hand, i miss the companionship. i feel lonely a lot of the time, and i really miss having someone to really CONNECT with. i miss the intimacy…not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. i miss being in love. hell, i miss just having a CRUSH on someone. on the other hand, i feel like i’m quicker than ever to dismiss guys.

it’s like…if i don’t think that there is a chance that we are going to have any sort of long term relationship, i can’t be bothered. but the idea of a long-term relationship freaks me out because i feel like i’m closing myself off to other options. what if someone slips through the cracks because i’m investing time with someone else who really just can’t go the distance?!

i’m certain, “dating” wouldn’t kill me. why can’t i spend time with guys…learning, growing, appreciating the companionship…but with no strings attached? i don’t have to marry the guy. they don’t even have to be my boyfriend. but i feel like if i hang out with one person repeatedly (i guess that’s called “dating”), that i am going to fall into this sense of a “relationship”, and i don’t want to spend time getting caught up in “relationships” that don’t have any real potential for longevity.

it seems that the guys that work best for me are the ones that i don’t see very often. it allows me to enjoy being in the crush zone, without any real commitment. it always stays exciting! but it’s empty, and i’m selling myself short.

i feel like no matter what i do, something is missing.

as time goes on and guys try to get close to me, only to be pushed away…i’m starting to feel like a real man-eater of sorts. they never see it coming. i start off so open-minded, and excited…and without meaning to lead them on…i think i might. i’m so OPEN to potential, but the moment i realize that i will never love this person, i shut right down and push them away. it’s not them, it’s me.

i feel like i’m still struggling to say how i feel, but i imagine you get the idea.
i guess the problem is…i haven’t found the RIGHT person. and i’m not even talking soul mates here. i just haven’t found someone that i am head over heels, crazy about, that seems to reciprocate the feelings. i want to feel totally CAPTIVATED. i want the butterflies. i KNOW that this is possible because i have been there…it’s just been a while, and i think time is leaving me jaded.

i’m still in my heart, a hopeless romantic. so hopeless in fact, that it’s all or nothing at this point. i’m not interested in wasting my time. i don’t want a relationship solely based on a friendship, or sex, or a common interest…i want all of the above. i want to feel not only like i can be 100% myself, but like being with that person makes me a better version of myself. sound cliche? it’s not really. it’s about having standards and not settling for less than you want/need/deserve.

it’s a lonely little world though. and time just keeps on keeping on.

of course i can. it’s my fucking blog. don’t like it? give a shit.

the truth of the matter is: i’m lonely (wah wah).

i’m a twenty five year old university graduate, still living in a very small college town. it feels like most (and i did say most) of the guys within an appealing dating bracket are: a) married, b) in a relationship, with marriage on the horizon, c) moved away, d) players/assholes/completely ignorant, or e) hiding (this is a generous assumption).

not to toot my own horn or anything, but i don’t think there’s anything WRONG with me. i’m well-educated. i care about my appearance (i showered AND shaved my legs today). i have interests and hobbies. i’m loyal, honest, and down-to-earth. i won’t use and abuse you. i have zero interest in playing head games. i don’t expect you to buy me dinner. toot, toot.

i see other people dating, flirting, fucking…whatever.
HOW THE HELL DO THEY DO IT, AND WHY CAN’T I DO IT TOO?!

to fuel my fire, i’m moving in three fucking weeks, and i wish i could spend the rest of my time immersing myself in the things i love about this city with the people i love the most. but there really aren’t many of those people left.

yes, i am almost twenty five. yes, whining about this kind of stuff makes me feel really emo and immature…but you know what? the way i see it, the older you get, the more right you have to be a little more pissed off, a little more jaded, and a little more lonely. and i’m generally an optimist. this shit doesn’t look good on me.

but you know what the biggest thing really is?

fear.

i’m moving in three weeks, and there’s this voice in the back of my head that tells me that “everything will be different” once i move to toronto. i’m dealing with small-town troubles as a small-town girl, but in a matter of weeks, ill be going from 54, 000 people to 2.5 MILLION people. sure, it’s justifiable to not be able to find companionship in the armpit of ontario, but what happens if i get to toronto, and i’m surrounded by 2.5 million people…and everything stays exactly the same. what if everyone else is still dating, and flirting, and fucking…except for me?!

what if there is something wrong with me that has rendered me completely undatable. you know in comics, how the hero was once just an ordinary guy, and then he gets exposed to radiation, or falls in a vat of goo, or something and then has these crazy powers that from that day forward, set them apart from the rest of humanity? maybe it’s like that. but less rewarding.

i’m not looking for a soul mate. i’m not even looking for a boyfriend. but seriously, a smile or something? i’d take one of those. let’s go for a hike. a picnic. a snuggle sesh. let’s watch a fucking mooovie. let me make you a grilled cheese sandwich. i don’t think i’m asking for a ton here.

thank god i have a cat. even she doesn’t like me that much, but it’s better than nothing.